


Bat Problems

by wittynametbd



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:22:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7944628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wittynametbd/pseuds/wittynametbd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dracula makes an unexpected appearance at the King Falls AM station.</p><p>This was based off of the tumblr post that suggested Dracula show up in more fics, as he's in the public domain!</p><p>Depending on how this goes, I might make more fics where classic monsters inadvertently wind up on Sammy and Ben's show!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bat Problems

**Author's Note:**

> This was a Secret Santa Gift for an awesome tumblr friend! They asked that I write my own take on a show's script - hence the format! 
> 
> This work is not affiliated with the show in any way.

INT – KING FALLS AM STUDIO.  
SAMMY/BEN’s SHOW THEME PLAYS, THEN FADES OUT.

SAMMY  
Well, we have quite the show planned tonight! Don’t we, Ben?

BEN  
Oh, so you finally checked your email?

SAMMY  
What? No, I just ran into tonight’s guest in the parking lot and let me tell you---

BEN  
Our guest? Sammy, the only thing we have planned is a safety tutorial with Deputy Troy.

SAMMY  
…safety tutorial?

BEN  
Yeah, you know, Halloween is coming up and we just want to make sure everything goes well.

SAMMY  
…goes well?

BEN  
Uhh, I mean, no one gets taken.

SAMMY  
Taken?!?

BEN  
No, no, I didn’t mean taken taken. Like Liam Neeson isn’t gonna rescue us or anything.

SAMMY  
Rescue us from…?

BEN  
You know, it’s not really that important.  
BEAT.

BEN (CONT’D)  
Why don’t we see what our listeners are up to? Is anyone else out there excited for that safety tutorial? Call us at---

THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. THEY BOTH JUMP.

SAMMY  
I thought you said there weren’t any guests tonight?

BEN  
There aren’t.

SAMMY  
Well, maybe it’s Merv? We could finally meet him in person!

HE GETS UP, WALKING TO THE DOOR.

BEN  
No, Sammy, I don’t think---

DOOR OPENS

SAMMY  
Oh! You’re not Merv. At least, I don’t think you are.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER  
I do not know this… Merv.

SAMMY  
Okay. Hey Ben, do you know this guy?

BEN  
(hurriedly)  
N-no. Not at all. Nice to meet you, Mr. Bloodbags---I mean Mr. Mysterious Stranger.

SAMMY  
… you okay there, Ben?

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER  
I’ve found that people often… struggle in my presence. Perhaps the same can be said of your friend.

BEN  
(scrambling to get to the broadcasting controls)  
I’m fine, it’s all great, no one is in danger at all! Deputy Troy, you might want to call in a little early for that safety tutorial.

SAMMY  
Uhh, excuse me, Mr…?

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER  
De Ville.

BEN  
…right. If you’d please wait outside, we have a few things to do---

MR. DE VILLE  
Oh, I think I’d be much more comfortable in here. Don’t you?

SAMMY  
Actually, I think you’re right.

BEN  
No, he’s not right. Sammy, I need to talk to you. Alone.

SAMMY  
Aw, come on. It’s not every day that we get a visitor!

BEN  
…we run a talk radio show. We get a visitor every day. And it would be nice if our real visitor, Deputy Troy, would call in right now.

SAMMY  
I don’t see a problem here.

BEN  
Dude, Mr. De Ville is literally Dracula!

SAMMY  
Ben, that’s rude. Just because he’s wearing a cape doesn’t mean he’s an undead bloodsucker.

MR DE VILLE  
That would be King Undead Bloodsucker to you.

BEN  
See?!? He really is Dracula! And don’t take this the wrong way, man, but I think you’re under his spell.

SAMMY  
I don’t know. It seems like we’re just going through the motions here. You freak out about kind of spooky things and I play Mr. Skeptical.

BEN  
He. Is. Dracula.

SAMMY  
Excuse me, sir. Is this true?

DRACULA  
I have been called many things over many lifetimes---

BEN  
(interrupting)  
Like Dracula.

DRACULA  
(continuing as if nothing happened)  
\---but what mere mortals---

DRACULA (CONT’D)  
(he catches himself)  
I mean, what wonderful people like you think of me really does make a difference in my attitude.

SAMMY  
How so?

BEN  
I don’t think this is relevant.  
(urgently, into the mic)  
Deputy Troy, where are you?!?

DRACULA  
Well, you see, I like to be liked. By people.

SAMMY  
Makes sense.

BEN  
Jack in the Box Jesus.

DRACULA  
It’s no fun not to have any friends. And relationships? Don’t even get me started. I’ve been waiting for that special someone to notice me for quite some time.

BEN  
(muttering)  
Yeah, I have no idea what that’s like.

SAMMY  
(to Dracula; completely ignoring Ben)  
Aw man, I’m so sorry. That’s rough.

ONE OF THE PHONE LINES LIGHTS UP. BEN JUMPS ON IT. ALMOST LITERALLY.

BEN  
Line One, you’re live with Sammy, Ben, and Dracula.

EMILY  
Hey Benny!

BEN  
(stumbles a bit)  
Em…Emily! What’re you doing up so late?

EMILY  
You ever get so caught up in a book that you can’t sleep?

BEN  
(dreamily)  
All the time.

DRACULA  
(he sighs)  
Me too.

BEN  
(snapping out of it)  
Oh, right. Vlad the Impossibly Hard to Get Rid Of is still here. Hey Emily, would you mind calling us back? I’ve got a vampire to stake.

SAMMY  
Now hang on a second there, Buffy. Let’s consider the options before we do anything we might regret.

EMILY  
He’s right, Benny.

BEN  
(groaning)  
You too?!? How’d he manage to do that when you’re not even here?

EMILY  
What? No, I just wanted to call in to give you some advice.

BEN  
So you’re not being controlled by Mr. Turns-Into-a-Light-Morning-Mist?

EMILY  
Of course not, silly! Though I’m a little worried about Sammy.

DRACULA  
(to Sammy)  
Say there, what’s your blood type.

SAMMY  
O positive.

DRACULA  
I could work with that.

BEN  
Uhh, Emily, hold on a sec.  
(yelling to Sammy)  
Sammy! Sammy, why don’t you come over here? Emily’s on the phone and she’d love to talk to you.

SAMMY  
Awww hi, Emily! I totally would come over, but Mr. De Ville just asked me to get him a drink from the kitchen.

BEN  
(under his breath)  
I’m sure he did.

EMILY  
Don’t let them leave the room, Benny!

BEN  
I wasn’t planning on it!

EMILY  
If you wanna turn him into dust, all you have to do is---

DRACULA  
(hurriedly cutting her off)  
Oh, come now, I don’t mean your friend any harm.

SAMMY  
Yeah Ben, everything’s fine!

BEN  
…so you don’t want to drink his blood?

DRACULA  
Would you permit it? One little sip wouldn’t hurt anything---

BEN/EMILY  
NO!

DRACULA  
Well, I suppose I could go without. For now.

BEN  
If… if you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?

DRACULA  
I was hoping you could do me a favor.

BEN  
You could’ve led with that instead of persuading my friend to do your bidding.

DRACULA  
I can’t help it. Its such an old habit. Very hard to kick.

EMILY  
You know, the sun’s coming out soon. Once it’s out, you’ll lose your powers.

DRACULA  
Ah, thank you for the reminder, Miss Emily. I’ll be brief.

BEN  
I think it’s too late for that.

SAMMY  
Ben! Don’t be rude to our guest.

DRACULA  
It’s fine, Shotgun. Some people just don’t see the world the same way we do.

BEN  
Dear Sweet Kingsey, what’s the favor you need?

DRACULA  
I’d like to get a message out to my beloved Mina.

BEN  
This is definitely going to end well.

DRACULA  
It is, quite simply: I know I messed up. I’m here if you’d like to talk.

EMILY  
(sharply)  
I’d say trying to turn someone into a vampire definitely qualifies as messing up.

DRACULA  
I know, I know. I truly regret decision.

BEN  
…uhh that’s… good for you. I think.

DRACULA  
I’ve said my peace. Now, as the youths say, the ball is in her court.

BEN  
Yeah, that’s great. Would you mind going now? I’d like to have my friend back. And my studio.

DRACULA  
Of course. Thank you for your assistance – and for the entertainment. I’ll be sure to drop by again.

SAMMY  
Yes, please do! It was great having you on the show!

DRACULA TURNS INTO A BAT AND FLIES AWAY.

EMILY  
I was really hoping he’d pick the dog to turn into.

BEN  
Yeah, that whole bat thing is kinda cliché.

SAMMY  
(finally snapping out of it)  
Whoa there. Was I dreaming, or did---

THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

BEN  
Not again.

HE WALKS TO THE DOOR.

BEN (CONT’D)  
Look, Twilight, we’re not interested in anything you’re selling.

TROY WALKS IN.

TROY  
Heard y’all had a bat problem!

BEN  
Not anymore.

TROY  
Well shucks. Sorry, Little Buddy. I would’ve been here sooner but the Williams Boys were in Mabel’s cornfield trying to summon something otherworldly. Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

EMILY  
Hi, Troy!

TROY  
Oh hey, Miss Emily! How’s your night going?

EMILY  
It’s been very interesting, to say the least.

SAMMY  
Wait. So that really was Dracula?

EMILY  
Yep!

SAMMY  
Did he drink my blood?!?

BEN  
No, but you got pretty close.

TROY  
This wouldn’t have happened if I’d been able to give my safety tutorial.

SAMMY  
Oh yeah! What was that about?

BEN/TROY  
Vampires.

SAMMY  
Oh.

BEN  
More specifically, how to make sure they don’t mesmerize you. Dracula’s been messing with King Falls since before I was born.

TROY  
But the tricky part is, he only appears every so often. Sometimes we forget how to guard ourselves. 

SAMMY  
…which is why you were coming onto the show tonight.

TROY  
You’ve got it!

EMILY  
Troy, if you want we could totally create an abridged version of that for me to present at the library. The kids would love it!

BEN  
You’re wonderful --- I mean that sounds wonderful!

TROY  
Sounds like a great plan, Miss Emily!

SAMMY  
… I can’t believe it. That was actually Dracula. Vampires are real.

BEN  
This is why you should always check your email.

END.


End file.
